That dark place

A few months ago I wrote in my journal about the darkest place I have ever been. Here is a segment from it:

"Imagine waking up in a place so dark that even the brightest lights cannot penetrate it. Add to this the inability to smile, to find the slightest bit of joy or happiness in anything, even the little things that you always found great pleasure in. Now add to this fear, and uncontrollable sadness, and he feeling of great loss. Lastly, lose the ability to focus or think about anything else but this for 24 hours a day, whether awake or sleeping for weeks. This is the place that I have been to. "

I think that I may be slipping back and it really scares me. I am not sure what to do or how to get away. All I know is that it hurts and I cannot bury it anymore. It just seems like I cannot get a break. Today, I made it to my parents house, but emotionally, I just cannot deal with going to see my grandmother. My mom says that she has anywhere from 2 weeks to a few months left, so I hope that I can find the rope to pull myself up enough to be able to go see her before she passes away. That is one regret that I don't think I could live with. I just don't know what to do anymore.