So true
I found this interesting post
The Grass is Always Greener
From http://www.januaryone.com/archives/2007/02/the_grass_is_always_greener.php
I'm not perfect. (Even if I strive for it at times with an unhealthy force.) I'm human. I can guarantee you that, on a fairly regular basis, I piss off and annoy and sometimes hurt the people that love me and that I love most in this world. So imagine the damage that I can inflict upon the strangers that may stumble upon this blog. I have deliberately chosen to write this blog in an open, intimate way - I'm not sure I could do it another way; that's how I am in real life - and because of that it may seem to regular readers, and even casual readers, that you know me. The closer you feel to a person, the more you think you know about their life, the easier it is for them to let you down and disappoint. It's just the way it is.
It's been suggested that I put myself in someone else's shoes. I am empathetic to a fault, but the truth of the matter is that I CAN'T put myself in anyone else's shoes. I can ONLY KNOW my own life. I've often said that one of the reasons my marriage is as healthy as it is, is that early on I figured out that people CANNOT read your mind. If you want something from someone - if you're not getting what you need - you MUST communicate what those needs are! You can't fault anyone for not giving you what you want if you've never told them what it is you need and/or expect. (Now if they don't deliver after that - or your demands are extraordinary - well - that's what couples therapy is for.)
Many times I've felt myself apologizing to people when I talk about my problems, my pains, my disappointments because they just aren't as bad or important as war or famine or disease - or whatever horrible thing you or someone else has had to suffer through. My problems surely aren't as bad as other peoples. But I still have problems. And they're the only problems I know. And because they're my problems and I have to live with them every day, I can't diminish how they make me feel. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. Feelings aren't rational. They oftentimes come out of nowhere and don't make any sense whatsoever but they are what they are and there's nothing you can do about them. If you've got a hangnail and it's making your day as shitty as it possibly could be - THAT IS VALID because you're having a shitty day. There is no need to feel bad about your shitty day because someone else found out that their loved one is very sick. Or they lost their job. Or their kid is being picked on in school. You can feel for those people, sure, but you can still feel bad for yourself.
I think this is really important. We live in a society that is always comparing things - my tv is bigger than yours. Your house is bigger than mine. My stash blows away your stash. Children are starving - why are you still buying yarn? Size matters. And, honestly, I don't see anything wrong with a little healthy competition every now and again. But not when it comes to feelings. My feelings are my feelings and I have every right to feel them - whether you think I'm an ass or not - just like you have a right to your wonderful, horrible, gut wrenching, soul soaring feelings. I would never take that away from you. I would never judge your bad day in the face of all the horribleness happening in this world at any given minute of the day.
I think one of the greatest strengths of humans is the inability to really understand other people. It's our most useful survival mechanism. If we could be in each other's head - if we could actually feel the pain of others - we'd all be doomed. How could we possibly live with the weight of the world literally on our shoulders? As it is, it's enough that we have to feel our own pain. And through that pain, we can imagine what other's might be feeling and show them the compassion we'd want shown to us.
We all know how hard it is to get the people around the us - the people we live with every single day - our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, our co-workers. We SEE them - their body language, their facial expressions, the evidence of the bad hair day, the hang nail, the sore back that makes them moody and belligerant. We HEAR the pain in their voices, the excitement, the pity. We can FEEL their arms around us, the hand on our backs, making us feel that it's going to be okay. All this and we STILL have trouble understanding what they're really all about. As great as the Internet is, there is A LOT missing. Honestly, if I had every one of your phone numbers, I'd call you in a heartbeat - way before I returned an email. I NEED that connection. But since that's not practical (and my husband would plotz at the phone bill) we must make do with this superior, albeit, cold communication. We miss so, so much. We read things wrong all the time. We say the wrong things all the time. I, myself, have hurt people through email and have been hurt through email. I've imagined relationships that weren't really there. I've been disappointed, I've disappointed. I've also found some of my best friendships. A commaraderie that I never imagined I'd find. An understanding I'd never thought I'd realize.
I'm not perfect. I'm human after all. And more than compassion or sympathy or understanding, the one thing I'd like most in this world, the one thing I try very hard to extend (and I fail miserably sometimes) and have extended to me is RESPECT. From respect grows all manners of human kindness.
The Grass is Always Greener
From http://www.januaryone.com/archives/2007/02/the_grass_is_always_greener.php
I'm not perfect. (Even if I strive for it at times with an unhealthy force.) I'm human. I can guarantee you that, on a fairly regular basis, I piss off and annoy and sometimes hurt the people that love me and that I love most in this world. So imagine the damage that I can inflict upon the strangers that may stumble upon this blog. I have deliberately chosen to write this blog in an open, intimate way - I'm not sure I could do it another way; that's how I am in real life - and because of that it may seem to regular readers, and even casual readers, that you know me. The closer you feel to a person, the more you think you know about their life, the easier it is for them to let you down and disappoint. It's just the way it is.
It's been suggested that I put myself in someone else's shoes. I am empathetic to a fault, but the truth of the matter is that I CAN'T put myself in anyone else's shoes. I can ONLY KNOW my own life. I've often said that one of the reasons my marriage is as healthy as it is, is that early on I figured out that people CANNOT read your mind. If you want something from someone - if you're not getting what you need - you MUST communicate what those needs are! You can't fault anyone for not giving you what you want if you've never told them what it is you need and/or expect. (Now if they don't deliver after that - or your demands are extraordinary - well - that's what couples therapy is for.)
Many times I've felt myself apologizing to people when I talk about my problems, my pains, my disappointments because they just aren't as bad or important as war or famine or disease - or whatever horrible thing you or someone else has had to suffer through. My problems surely aren't as bad as other peoples. But I still have problems. And they're the only problems I know. And because they're my problems and I have to live with them every day, I can't diminish how they make me feel. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. Feelings aren't rational. They oftentimes come out of nowhere and don't make any sense whatsoever but they are what they are and there's nothing you can do about them. If you've got a hangnail and it's making your day as shitty as it possibly could be - THAT IS VALID because you're having a shitty day. There is no need to feel bad about your shitty day because someone else found out that their loved one is very sick. Or they lost their job. Or their kid is being picked on in school. You can feel for those people, sure, but you can still feel bad for yourself.
I think this is really important. We live in a society that is always comparing things - my tv is bigger than yours. Your house is bigger than mine. My stash blows away your stash. Children are starving - why are you still buying yarn? Size matters. And, honestly, I don't see anything wrong with a little healthy competition every now and again. But not when it comes to feelings. My feelings are my feelings and I have every right to feel them - whether you think I'm an ass or not - just like you have a right to your wonderful, horrible, gut wrenching, soul soaring feelings. I would never take that away from you. I would never judge your bad day in the face of all the horribleness happening in this world at any given minute of the day.
I think one of the greatest strengths of humans is the inability to really understand other people. It's our most useful survival mechanism. If we could be in each other's head - if we could actually feel the pain of others - we'd all be doomed. How could we possibly live with the weight of the world literally on our shoulders? As it is, it's enough that we have to feel our own pain. And through that pain, we can imagine what other's might be feeling and show them the compassion we'd want shown to us.
We all know how hard it is to get the people around the us - the people we live with every single day - our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, our co-workers. We SEE them - their body language, their facial expressions, the evidence of the bad hair day, the hang nail, the sore back that makes them moody and belligerant. We HEAR the pain in their voices, the excitement, the pity. We can FEEL their arms around us, the hand on our backs, making us feel that it's going to be okay. All this and we STILL have trouble understanding what they're really all about. As great as the Internet is, there is A LOT missing. Honestly, if I had every one of your phone numbers, I'd call you in a heartbeat - way before I returned an email. I NEED that connection. But since that's not practical (and my husband would plotz at the phone bill) we must make do with this superior, albeit, cold communication. We miss so, so much. We read things wrong all the time. We say the wrong things all the time. I, myself, have hurt people through email and have been hurt through email. I've imagined relationships that weren't really there. I've been disappointed, I've disappointed. I've also found some of my best friendships. A commaraderie that I never imagined I'd find. An understanding I'd never thought I'd realize.
I'm not perfect. I'm human after all. And more than compassion or sympathy or understanding, the one thing I'd like most in this world, the one thing I try very hard to extend (and I fail miserably sometimes) and have extended to me is RESPECT. From respect grows all manners of human kindness.
posted by Brian at 12:41 PM
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