Working hard for it.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you worked super hard to get it? Well, this is what have been doing to resolve the issues that my spouse and I have been having. In fact, my best friend has even mentioned that I am a changed person, and that he does not know anyone who would put as much effort into working on this type of situation as I have. I may not get the results that I want, and I have to expect that, but in the end, I will be a much improved person, and a better spouse, be it with my current one, or if that does not work out, a future relationship. I can only hope for the best.

A milestone of sorts

It has been 30 days since I have cohabitated with my spouse. The weird thing is that I still love her and miss her as much as I did before all this happened. I guess part of the current issue is that we both are hurt and trying to put the pain behind us is difficult. This is part of the reason why I am getting professional help. The other reason is to work through issues that may have caused this marriage to go into the crapper in the first place. It is not cheap, but if I can get my spouse back, then it will all be worth it.
They say during times of crisis that one should try something new, so, as I mentioned in my last post, I picked up an Italian language learning CD. It is fun. I can count to 10 and say where I am from. I hope to be able to use it on a trip to Italy sometime in the future.
today I cooked up a pot of chili, went to the store (I actually did not cry after shopping for the first time), and cleaned up the house. Tonight, I will just relax and watch TV. Maybe I will get to talk to some friends on the phone too, which always makes each day better.

Saturday Night

Tonight I went out with my friend Rick. We ended up in Royal Oak, where we had dinner at Mr B's. Afterwards, we went to Barnes and Noble, where I found a audio CD on learning Italian. I figured it would keep my mind occupied when I was at home, as I have found that I cannot sit still in this place anymore. I wish the Dearborn housing market was not so crappy so that I could sell this place, but I am stuck here for now. After the bookstore, we went to a coffee shop and chatted for a while. It was tough as this was a place that my separated spouse and I used to go to when we were in Royal Oak. I really miss her, and I wish she could see that. I cannot change the past, but can only look to the future. I pray daily that my heart will heal, or that I can have no emotion, but it has yet to work. All I can do is meditate and write in my journal and this blog. I thank all my friends for their support and prayers during this time of crisis and I hope that the stars will realign.

P.S.: Pray for my grandmother as she has been really sick.

Life is different part 2

Life is different. I am really having a rough time with the weekends, as that was the key time that my spouse and I spent together. I miss her dearly, but during a separation, you are not supposed to let them know this, or that you "love them." I have joined an online forum called loveshack.org, and have received lots of great input from the many members. It helps me get through these difficult days of this separation. I still cannot determine the reason for our relationships downfall, but since I cannot read her mind, I may never know.
Life is different now. It is hard to live in the place that was once a home to two people. This is like a death. I use the bed sheets we shared, towels we had, and sit in the rooms that we painted. It is hard going to the places that we used to go to, especially restaurants.
Life is different now. I miss talking to her, her companionship, or just curling up next to her at night. I wonder if she misses me? I wonder if she knows how much effort I am putting into myself to improve on the areas that I was weak in, or that may have caused her grief. I am spending a lot of money on counseling, as well as reading everything that I can get my hands on in regards to fixing a broken relationship. I wonder if she knows this? I wonder how much she thinks about what we have come to and if she is willing to forgive me for some of the errors that I have made in our relationship and try to give marriage counseling a shot? I love this woman more than anything else. If that was not the case, I would not be putting so much effort into everything. People can change behaviors, but it takes some time. I hope she recognizes this. Life is different now.

Life Is Different

2006 started off as a good year, but ended up in the crapper. In December, my wife of 2+ years, and partner of 7 years sad that she was unhappy. I tried to work on the marriage through both counseling, and by trying to do what she said was weak in our relationship. It did not seem to matter to her, and in the process she drove me into clinical depression. What went wrong with my relationship one may ask? Well, to be honest, I can only say that we forgot how to communicate to each other due to her hectic schedule, and my ability to find things to occupy my free time. 2 marriage councilors and a psychiatrist all said that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with our marriage, but yet she has still pulled away. I wonder if she has found someone new, and if that is the case, I wish she would be honest with me. She has moved out and I have now idea where she lives. Life is different now. I live alone in the shell of a house that was once my home. I do not have the level of happiness that I had with her. I will find it again, and I am on the road to recovery. One thing to note is that people can change behaviors, but it takes time. I do miss my spouse, but I am not missing the person who has been so cold and heartless to me for the last 2 months. I wonder if my spouse will ever reappear? Life is different now.