The Death of the Tactometer

Dear loyal followers,
As of now, the Tactometer is dead. Life begins anew somewhere else. I will let those close to me know where.

Goodbye

So true

I found this interesting post

The Grass is Always Greener
From http://www.januaryone.com/archives/2007/02/the_grass_is_always_greener.php

I'm not perfect. (Even if I strive for it at times with an unhealthy force.) I'm human. I can guarantee you that, on a fairly regular basis, I piss off and annoy and sometimes hurt the people that love me and that I love most in this world. So imagine the damage that I can inflict upon the strangers that may stumble upon this blog. I have deliberately chosen to write this blog in an open, intimate way - I'm not sure I could do it another way; that's how I am in real life - and because of that it may seem to regular readers, and even casual readers, that you know me. The closer you feel to a person, the more you think you know about their life, the easier it is for them to let you down and disappoint. It's just the way it is.
It's been suggested that I put myself in someone else's shoes. I am empathetic to a fault, but the truth of the matter is that I CAN'T put myself in anyone else's shoes. I can ONLY KNOW my own life. I've often said that one of the reasons my marriage is as healthy as it is, is that early on I figured out that people CANNOT read your mind. If you want something from someone - if you're not getting what you need - you MUST communicate what those needs are! You can't fault anyone for not giving you what you want if you've never told them what it is you need and/or expect. (Now if they don't deliver after that - or your demands are extraordinary - well - that's what couples therapy is for.)
Many times I've felt myself apologizing to people when I talk about my problems, my pains, my disappointments because they just aren't as bad or important as war or famine or disease - or whatever horrible thing you or someone else has had to suffer through. My problems surely aren't as bad as other peoples. But I still have problems. And they're the only problems I know. And because they're my problems and I have to live with them every day, I can't diminish how they make me feel. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. Feelings aren't rational. They oftentimes come out of nowhere and don't make any sense whatsoever but they are what they are and there's nothing you can do about them. If you've got a hangnail and it's making your day as shitty as it possibly could be - THAT IS VALID because you're having a shitty day. There is no need to feel bad about your shitty day because someone else found out that their loved one is very sick. Or they lost their job. Or their kid is being picked on in school. You can feel for those people, sure, but you can still feel bad for yourself.
I think this is really important. We live in a society that is always comparing things - my tv is bigger than yours. Your house is bigger than mine. My stash blows away your stash. Children are starving - why are you still buying yarn? Size matters. And, honestly, I don't see anything wrong with a little healthy competition every now and again. But not when it comes to feelings. My feelings are my feelings and I have every right to feel them - whether you think I'm an ass or not - just like you have a right to your wonderful, horrible, gut wrenching, soul soaring feelings. I would never take that away from you. I would never judge your bad day in the face of all the horribleness happening in this world at any given minute of the day.
I think one of the greatest strengths of humans is the inability to really understand other people. It's our most useful survival mechanism. If we could be in each other's head - if we could actually feel the pain of others - we'd all be doomed. How could we possibly live with the weight of the world literally on our shoulders? As it is, it's enough that we have to feel our own pain. And through that pain, we can imagine what other's might be feeling and show them the compassion we'd want shown to us.
We all know how hard it is to get the people around the us - the people we live with every single day - our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, our co-workers. We SEE them - their body language, their facial expressions, the evidence of the bad hair day, the hang nail, the sore back that makes them moody and belligerant. We HEAR the pain in their voices, the excitement, the pity. We can FEEL their arms around us, the hand on our backs, making us feel that it's going to be okay. All this and we STILL have trouble understanding what they're really all about. As great as the Internet is, there is A LOT missing. Honestly, if I had every one of your phone numbers, I'd call you in a heartbeat - way before I returned an email. I NEED that connection. But since that's not practical (and my husband would plotz at the phone bill) we must make do with this superior, albeit, cold communication. We miss so, so much. We read things wrong all the time. We say the wrong things all the time. I, myself, have hurt people through email and have been hurt through email. I've imagined relationships that weren't really there. I've been disappointed, I've disappointed. I've also found some of my best friendships. A commaraderie that I never imagined I'd find. An understanding I'd never thought I'd realize.
I'm not perfect. I'm human after all. And more than compassion or sympathy or understanding, the one thing I'd like most in this world, the one thing I try very hard to extend (and I fail miserably sometimes) and have extended to me is RESPECT. From respect grows all manners of human kindness.

Lunchtime Ramblings

Last night I did not sleep well because I have so much running through my head. Work is nuts (which is why I am taking a break), and I have so much personal crap going on that I am burning out. Today I have to meet with an attorney, which I have no interest in doing, and then I have a counseling appointment right after. After that I am supposed to meet some friends for dinner. At least I am keeping busy.

Do you ever feel like you are in an alternate reality? By this I mean, does your life just sometimes not feel real? This is how I feel right now. It is like I still only sleep on the one side of the bed, I still roll over expecting someone to be there, and I always awake to a deafening silence. It is amazing how someone can just cut you off. It is actually worse than a death because at least a death is final. Life is truly different now.

Anyway, I was invited to a friends for dinner in April. He is an awesome cook and I am really looking forward to his culinary delights. I know that every time he makes something it is always good and so tasty. Plus it will be a good time.

I found this funny

Crazy Tuesday

Today was crazy. Not only am I riding an emotional roller coaster, but work has been nuts as we are preparing for a huge presentation next Monday. After work, I stopped by my friends house to see the baby. He is getting big and is so cute. Here are some pictures:

A dotting mother
Sleepy
He seemed to just cuddle up in my arms : ).
One day I hope to have the opportunity to be a father. I know my friends who have children find nothing but overwhelming joy.
After seeing the baby, I stopped by my folks house on my way to my support group. It was cool because they fed me an awesome dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. My dad also sent me home with some homemade bean soup.
The support group was good today. We added another new member, who was just served by the spouse, and I read the group my essay on "The Darkest Place I Have Ever Been." It sucks to be dealing with this, and we all say how nobody wants to go through this, but if one spouse is unwilling to participate in trying to repair the marriage, then there is not much anyone can do. It takes two hands to clap. The best thing about the group is that there are people in all different stages of recovery, and there are many different perspectives. It really helps to talk to others going through this.
Tomorrow will be a busy day as I have a lot of work to finish on the presentation, and two off-site meetings in the afternoon.

An Analagy

I have been completely stressed out over my impending situation. It is so taboo to me that just the thought of it hurts. I guess it is because I come from a background where families worked through their issues. Anyway here is the analogy that I came up with for my situation:

I am an innocent bystander in a drive-by shooting.

To this day, I do not want it. Just know that.

For the Ghost

Cake - "I Will Survive"

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking I could never live without you
By my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you've done me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you
Here without that look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid look
I would have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Well now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around
Now, you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I,
I will survive
Yeah
As Long as I know how to love,
I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive,
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry,
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person
Still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone whose lovin' me
Well now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around
Now, you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumple?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I,
I will survive
Yeah
As long as I know how to love,
I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive,
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
Oh no

Help a friend

My best friends sister is doing running for Team In Training and hope to raise $3,400 for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She is just over halfway there. Help her out by donating to a good tax deductible cause. Follow the link below.

http://www.active.com/donate/tntmi/tntmiJCampbe

Interesting Research

Stumbled on this interesting article:

TWO-YEAR ITCH INFECTS MARRIAGE
Couples watching out for the seven-year itch should be on their guard a lot earlier these days. According to research, they are far more likely to separate after about two years of marriage. One in 12 couples is heading for the divorce courts after 24 months - more than double the figure for seven years. From "TWO-YEAR ITCH INFECTS MARRIAGE" News Australia, By James Mills, June 22, 2004 Cited in a posting in the Smart Marriages listserv June 22, 2004. News Australia, By James Mills, June 22, 2004.

A yes, another way in which the public is ill-prepared for and ill-informed about marriage - they don't realize that the first two years of marriage is the time when a new civilization is hammered out. We mislead couples by calling it the "honeymoon" phase. We send them off without the basic understanding of what to expect or the skills they'll need to lay the foundation for a life-long marriage. It's cruel and barbaric - we're still in the dark ages when it comes to marriage. Just getting the basic stats like these out to the public is the first step. Explaining what the research has found about WHY the first two years have the highest failure rate is the next step. And, teaching couples - equipping them what to do about it - how to improve their odds - that's the key. The first three years also has the highest infidelity rate. Very few people realize that. So much marriage educating to be done.

Unanswered prayers

I was over at my neighbors house this evening to discuss getting them a new PC. Anyway, the conversation turned to me, and how I was doing. I told that that I was OK, and that I just have some frustration and anger over what has happened to me. I then went on to tell them that one of the things that I am angry about is that I prayed, and prayed for God to help me, but that my prayers went unanswered. Now, both of them are very religious, and they both responded that god works in mysterious ways and that he may of answered my prayers without me understanding.

To quote Garth Brooks as they did,
". . . And then and there I thanked the good Lord For the gifts in my life Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered... Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"

They also told me the story of Jimmy Buffet and his second wife which went something like this,

"...Jimmy and his wife Jane have had a wonderful, roller-coaster type of marriage, from the day he met her in the Chart Room bar in Key West, living together, breaking up a couple of times (I Can't Be Your Hero Anymore), getting back together (You've Got to Bend a Little) marrying, and having three children. The marriage is especially noteworthy for the autonomy they allow each other. Jimmy does his thing, and Jane does hers. On their travels, everybody brings along a friend. More often than not, Jimmy and his buddy will go off for a day's fishing, and Jane and her friend will spend the day shopping, exercising, or just plain talking. With the aid of a therapist, the marriage seems to work. Of course it doesn't hurt that Jane, according to her husband, is the best the galaxy has to offer. She is a great road manager, operates with patience and common sense, is an amazingly adaptable woman, and has a "wonderful, straightforward, no bull-shit style" of talking. The couple has been married for over 20 years."

Obviously, my neighbors, like me believe in the sanctity of marriage, but they also understand that I did everything possible to save mine. I have no guilt or regrets in that regards, because in my heart I know, and she should know, that I put everything I had into working through it. As I told them, I will always love the woman I married, but only her ghost exists, walking the Earth in purgatory.

Questions

Dear Ghost,
How are you today (I cannot remember the last time that you asked me that). Did you have a nice weekend? I was wondering, why do you read my blog? What does it do for you? Does it give you peace of mind? Does it give you reprieve from the overwhelming guilt that you must be feeling? Do you really care about what I am up to, or what I am doing or have done? Do you care about what I say? I want to understand I guess because when you come around, you are all business and don't really seem to give a crap about me, how I am doing, or what you have done to me and my life. I want to understand why you are so intent on making me miserable -- why you are out to cause me pain. What did I do to you? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Mr Tactometer

That dark place

A few months ago I wrote in my journal about the darkest place I have ever been. Here is a segment from it:

"Imagine waking up in a place so dark that even the brightest lights cannot penetrate it. Add to this the inability to smile, to find the slightest bit of joy or happiness in anything, even the little things that you always found great pleasure in. Now add to this fear, and uncontrollable sadness, and he feeling of great loss. Lastly, lose the ability to focus or think about anything else but this for 24 hours a day, whether awake or sleeping for weeks. This is the place that I have been to. "

I think that I may be slipping back and it really scares me. I am not sure what to do or how to get away. All I know is that it hurts and I cannot bury it anymore. It just seems like I cannot get a break. Today, I made it to my parents house, but emotionally, I just cannot deal with going to see my grandmother. My mom says that she has anywhere from 2 weeks to a few months left, so I hope that I can find the rope to pull myself up enough to be able to go see her before she passes away. That is one regret that I don't think I could live with. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Weekend Events

Well, this weekend has been OK considering how it started. Friday night a bunch of us got together to watch Al Gore's movie "The Inconvenient Truth," which was really good except the spot where he did the whole "sour grapes" election dig. It is amazing how bad we have screwed up this planet, especially those of us who live in worlds largest throw away society, the USA.
Yesterday, I went climbing in the morning, which is always good, and later that evening I met up with friends for dinner and the 3-D reunion at Luna (a dance club in Royal Oak). I will be honest, it was really hard for me to go to the event as it was something I did last year with her.
Here are some pictures:

Today I had a charity run downtown for my best friends kid sister who is doing a "Team in Training" event. It was very interesting because it was a bikini/swimsuit run. I saved people and wore pants, but there were some very interesting getup's. The run was cool, and I did the mile in 7 minutes flat, which is great considering that I have not been running in almost 3 months. I am sure I will pay for it later. Here are some pictures:

Imagine running behind him the whole route...... not pretty

I think the inner tube helped him run faster

Me and my best friends kid sister.

Anyhow, I am trying to get up the gumption to go see my grandmother, but I am not sure I can handle any additional negative emotions right now. I know that sounds horrible, but I am right on the edge emotionally right now, and I don't feel like falling off again. For now I am going to do laundry, and go get a new wastebasket for the master bathroom.

Tomorrow it is back to work.

I feel so angry and frustrated

I barely slept at all last night. I have so much anger and frustration that my mind would not let me rest. Here are some of the reasons that I am so angry.

I am so angry that I do not have my friend, my companion, my lover, my wife anymore.
I am so angry that she would not put the effort into working with me to save the marriage.
I am so angry and frustrated that she has no empathy for what she has done to me.
I am so angry and frustrated that she refuses to show any emotion towards me.
I am so angry and frustrated that she would not put true effort into marriage counseling.
I am so angry and frustrated that she could not focus on the good.
I am so angry and frustrated that she stopped talking to me.
I am so angry and frustrated that I went into depression.
I am so angry and frustrated that I lost 30 lbs.
I am so angry and frustrated that she broke my heart.
I am so angry and frustrated that she forgot who I was.
I am so angry and frustrated because I was ready to be a father.
I am so angry and frustrated because I loved her.
I am so angry and frustrated because I loved traveling with her.
I am so angry and frustrated because I mourn her loss.
I am angry and frustrated because I prayed.

More songs that fit my situation

I heard these as I was driving home and they just hit home:


Chi-Lites "Have You Seen Her"

Ah ah ah, ooh ooh ooh.....(Spoken)
One month ago todayI was happy as a lark
But now I go for walks
To the movies
Maybe to the parkA
nd have a seat
On the same old bench
To watch the children play
You know, tomorrow's their future
But for me, just another day
They all gather around me
They seem to know my name
We laugh, tell a few jokes
But it still doesn't ease my pain
I know I can't hide from a memory
Though day after day, I've tried
I keep saying she'll be back
But today again, I liedOh, I see her face
Everywhere I go
On the street and
Even at the picture show
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herOh, I hear her voice
As the cold winds blowIn the sweet music on my radio
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herWhy, oh, why
Did she have to leave
And go away, ohh ohh
I've been used to having
Someone to lean on
And I'm lost, baby, I'm lostOh, bop bop bop....
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herOh, bop bop bop....
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her
Oh, she left her kiss
Upon my lips
But left that break
Within my heart
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herOh, I see her hand
Reaching out to me
Only she can set me free
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herWhy, oh, why
Did she have to leave
And go away, oh yeah
Ooh ooh, I've been used
To having someone to lean on
And I'm lost, baby, I'm lostOh, bop bop bop....
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her......As another day comes to an end
I'm looking for a letter or something
Anything that she would send
With all the people I know, hmm
I'm still a lonely man
You know it's funny
I thought I had her
In the palm of my handHave you seen her
Tell me, have you seen herOh, bop bop bop....
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her.......

The Fray "How to Save A Life"
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life




B.B. King "Ain't nobody home"

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, wherever you'd lead me, i would surely follow
Girl, you put me through some pain and misery
And now you are standing on my doorstep, telling me how much you need me
Baby, ain't nobody home (chorus: nobody's home)
Ain't nobody home (chorus: nobody's home)
How many times i begged for you to come home,
but you laughed at me and said let me Alone
Through my falling tears i saw you walk away
And now you're beggin' me to forgive you, but this time, baby, it's your turn to beg
Baby, ain't nobody home (chorus: nobody's home)
Ain't nobody home (chorus: nobody's home)
Girl, i used to love you, in ways no one else would love you
Gave you everything that i own
Girl, you can't come back here
Ain't nobody home (chorus: nobody's home)
Once upon a time, when you went on your way
But, girl, i hoped and prayed, that you'd come back some day
But time has made some changes, turned me upside down
So, you can beg me to forgive you, but this time, baby, you can turn right around
Ain't nobody home
Ain't nobody home
Girl, you hurt me once (chorus: ain't nobody home)
I hear you knockin' (chorus: ain't nobody home)

A poem I found

I wish I knew the title and author to this poem

Once more, I find myself alone within this twisted mire
of lives cascading here and there - rushing...but no fire.
What lies, deceit and jerks I meet...why, Lord, be it so?
If not the physical, then emotional abuse is the way to go?
Where once there was a smile ever so bright upon my face
is now an empty shadow...frowning...jilted and out of place.
She lied to me and to my heart...damn those stupid games!
I only wanted to love someone and for them to feel the same!
Is that too much to ask of one who says they wish that too?
Dear Lord, please reprieve this pain, I’ve already paid my dues.
Looking...looking once more for that smile I wish to keep.
Lord, I pray unto you...lend me comfort now as I continue to weep.
Give me strength when I feel as though I can no longer stand.
Give me courage when I feel my heart’s been ripped out by a hand.
Give me love when I feel as though all I can do is self-loath.
Give me direction when I feel as though I’ve lost my road.
I feel as though all has a reason within this mixed up world.
I cannot fathom any more pain...I’m just a simple boy!
I’ve been bruised, choked and beaten emotionally by words!
I’ve survived some horrible things to become flighty as the birds.
Give me the serenity that I shall need to look at someone and trust
that they are not before me to harm me nor to cause heart to further rust.
Please, mend my broken heart as you would mend a broken wing.
Let it find its true match out there...let this song find voice to sing!
I do not wish to be alone, Lord. Hear this young poet’s prayer.
Wrap your arms around me when I need most for someone to care.

A lot on my mind

I have a lot on my mind today. First, I cannot get over how someone cannot show any empathy to me after all that we have been through. Secondly, how did it ever get to this point in the first place? I probably will never know the answers to these questions, but I know that I have very few regrets. What are they you ask. I guess the first is that I may not have said those 3 words enough. The second one is that I let my heart get in the way of reality. It is just a shame. They say in mourning that you should write a goodbye letter. I am working on it, but it is so hard to write as it just hurts to think of all the good times we had and to know that all the ghost thinks about is anything negative, which were far fewer. It was once said that the marriage was 80% good and 20% bad. I am becoming a statistic because of 20%. The song 'Every Rose Has Its Thorns" comes to mind.

Poison - "Every Rose Has its Thorns"

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside
Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say
Every rose has it's thorn
Just like every night has it's dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it's thorn
Yeah it does
I listen to our favorite song
Playing on the radio
Hear the dj say loves a game of easy come and
Easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess
Every rose has it's thorn
Just like every night has it's dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it's thorn
Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
But the scar, that scar remains
I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways
But now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess
Every rose has it's thorn
Just like every night has it's dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it's thorn

Rest In Peace Barbra B. P. 1/17/2000 - 2/2/2007

Today I officially mourn the death of the woman I loved. No, the physical person did not die, but the person who I knew for so long and loved with all of my heart has officially been pronounced dead. Although I did everything that I could, in the end there was absolutly nothing I could do to save the woman that I loved. So I will mourn the death of my wife.

Mourner's Kaddish

Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba (Cong: Amein).
May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified (`Cong: Amen.)

b'al'ma di v'ra khir'uteiin
the world that He created as He willed.

v'yam'likh mal'khutei b'chayeikhon uv'yomeikhon
May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in your days,

uv'chayei d'khol beit yis'ra'eil
and in the lifetimes of the entire Family of Israel,

ba'agala uviz'man kariv v'im'ru:
swiftly and soon. Now say:

(Mourners and Congregation:)Amein.
Amen

Y'hei sh'mei raba m'varakh l'alam ul'al'mei al'maya
(Amen. May His great Name be blessed forever and ever.)

Yit'barakh v'yish'tabach v'yit'pa'ar v'yit'romam v'yit'nasei
Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled,

v'yit'hadar v'yit'aleh v'yit'halal sh'mei d'kud'sh
amighty, upraised, and lauded be the Name of the Holy One

(Mourners and Congregation:)B'rikh hu.
Blessed is He.

l'eila min kol bir'khata v'shirara
beyond any blessing and song,

toosh'b'chatah v'nechematah, da'ameeran b'al'mah, v'eemru:
praise and consolation that are uttered in the world. Now say:

(Mourners and Congregation:)Amein
Amen

Y'hei sh'lama raba min sh'maya
May there be abundant peace from Heaven

v'chayim aleinu v'al kol yis'ra'eil v'im'ru
and life upon us and upon all Israel. Now say:

(Mourners and Congregation:)Amein
Amen

Oseh shalom bim'romav hu ya'aseh shalom
He Who makes peace in His heights, may He make peace,

aleinu v'al kol Yis'ra'eil v'im'ru
upon us and upon all Israel. Now say:

(Mourners and Congregation:)Amein
Amen

But I have been here for 11 years.

So I have been at my job for 11 years and I just received a nice "thank you for 5 years of service" paperweight from them. It is almost as bad as someone comparing breaking up after dating for 1.5 years to ending a 7 year relationship that includes 2 years of marriage.

Too Much

Can you believe, I have people from all over reading this blog. In fact, tonight someone from Kuwait was reading my blog. I have also had people from the Illinois Institute of Technology, and more people from China reading my posts. Well here is a good song for what I am dealing with:

Liz Phair "Divorce Song"

And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night, and we'd been driving since noon
But if I'd known how that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed for the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it's harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn't try to mix the two
'Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And it's true that I stole your lighter
And it's also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you'd known how that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Burned it up and thrown it away
You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright
And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright

La Fin

I was supposed to go climbing, but that got screwed.
Anyway this expresses it all:

Linkin Park - "In The End"

It starts with
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down
’till the end of the day
Clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
You didn’t look out below,
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryn’ to hold on
Didn’t even know, I wasted it all
Just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it’s meant to be
Will, eventually be,
A memory of a time,
When I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter...
I had to fall, to loose it all...
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter...
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself
How I tried so hard...
Despite the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end...
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to be, will
Eventually, be a memory of a time
When I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far, as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust, in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know...
I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Time to build the arc

Damn! It is pouring out there. We walked 1 block for lunch and I got soaked -- even with an umbrella. At least we are not getting the tornado's like the people down south.

Song stuck in my head

I have this Elliot Smith song stuck in my head:

Elliot Smith "Waltz #2 (xo)"

first the mic then a half cigarette
singing Cathy's clown
that's the man she's married to now
that's the girl that he takes around town
she appears composed, so she is, I suppose
who can really tell
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
now she's done and they're calling someone
such a familiar name
I'm so glad that my memories remote
'cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
here it is the revenge to the tune
you're no goody
ou're no good, you're no good, you're no good
can't you tell that it's well understood
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm here today and expected to stay
on and on and on
I'm tired, I'm tired
looking out on the substitute scenes
till going strong
XO, mom, it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell Mr. Man with impossible plans
to just leave me alone
in the place where I make no mistakes
in the place where I have what it takes
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow