Nuckin' Futz Day -- Then Fun

Today was another crazy day at work. First, I got in later than usual as I was up most of the night coughing and rattling my brain. I finally fell asleep at 3am, but by 6:30am I was in no mood to move. I finally dragged my but out of bed at 7:30, which is when I am usually at work, and made it in just in time for a meeting that I forgot about. Anyway, the meeting reset my priorities again for the 3rd time this week, and I had to bust my butt to get a lot of stuff done. This evening I attended a surprise birthday party for a friend. It was a blast, but it was really weird because the whole bar was filled with retirement parties for Ford employees - -today was the big day. Anyway here are some pictures from the shin-dig.

Double blooms and other stuff

The Orchid is going wild. It now has two blooms. Both are the same color, although the second one seems more vibrant. I think by the end of the week, it may have 3 flowers in full bloom.

Anyway, today was another crazy day. Work was nuts, as I am trying to do 3 different jobs, I had to deal with the furnace issue, and I had a doctors appointment as well a a meeting tonight. Dinner was a carryout burrito from Baja Fresh, which was good, but would have been better if I had some salsa.

I forgot to write about the dinner I made last night. It was a fresh tuna steak that I encrusted with peppercorns and wassabi. I then pan fried it to a nice medium rare and paced it on top of a nice Ceasers salad. For dessert, I had a wonderful chocolate brownie. It was very good. No leftovers that night.

You Doubted My Decision

Two years ago I had a furnace malfunction and it cost me $500 to fix. To mitigate this from ever happening again, I signed up for my utility companies furnace and water heater service plan. At the time, someone doubted my decision saying that I was wasting money. Well, the repair today would have cost me over $600 had I not had the service plan. So, for $200, paid over the last two years I saved at least $400. HA! IYF!

I think I am going to sell my gun. I currently have a Beretta 96 40 caliber pistol, and I think I am going to get a 9mm instead. I really like my Beretta, bu the 9 mm is smaller, the bullets are less expensive, and it is just easier to control versus the 40. I think it is a good decision.

Song In My Head

This song has been stuck in my head since 6:30 this morning. It makes me think about my empathy posts from past.

Gomez "How We Operate"

Calm down
And get straight
It's not our eyes
It's how we operate
You're true
You are
I'd apologize but it won't go very far
Please come here
Come right on over
And when we collide we'll see what gets left over
A little joy
A little sorrow
And a little pride so we won't have to borrow
Wherever you lead, I'll follow
Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way
Please come here
Please come on over
There is no line that you can't step right over
Without you well I'm left hollow
So can we decide to try a little joy tomorrow
'Cos baby tonight I'll follow
Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way

The Orchid and More Random Thoughts

The second bud is about to blossom. I wonder if it will be the same color?

I was thinking some more on my life. How did I go from being loved to being hated? I never showed hate, frustration yes, angry maybe, but not hate. Just too weird. It is almost like I am being pushed to hate, but I can't because there is too much good history. It makes me think of the Blue October song "Hate Me."





BLUE OCTOBER Hate Me
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Some Random Thoughts

I really should be doing some work right now, but I cannot get connected to work due to a VPN issue, so I guess I will blog.

I had one of my counseling sessions today, and it really made me think about my situation, and how I view my vows. I guess others may see that vows are nothing more than a bit of legal jargon and paperwork, but I cannot put myself into that mindset. They are so much more than that. They are my words fidelity, love, trust, and support to a spouse through it all. Just my thought.

I have been thinking about going to see my grandmother. She is very sick and has gone into hospice care. The part that makes it so difficult is that I will have to lie about my situation to her, as my mother and uncle do not want to upset her. I think this is why I am having such a hard time going to see her, as I don't like to lie, and that she will ask way too much about her. How do I answer? What am I supposed to say? hopefully she won't pass on before I can find the right words.

Lastly, I have been thinking about me. I feel like my old self from an emotional perspective, but in other ways I feel so different. I wish I knew how to explain it, but I just feel different.


Song of the day:
I heard one of my favorite Sebadoh songs on the radio today, which then got stuck in my head.

Sebadoh "Willing to Wait"

When you see him again
Tell him everything that you told me
Tell him that I’m still your friend
And maybe you would like to see me again
I’m willing to wait my turn to be with you
But I still have a lot to learn about me
And no one’s sure if we should be together
But oh, when I saw you again
A beautiful friend, she opened up her heart and let me in
No, I cannot lie to you
I’m still in love with you, and I only wanna be with you
So when you see him again
Tell him everything that you told me
We’re more than friends and maybe we should start again
Maybe you could love me again
‘Cuz oh, when I saw you again
A beautiful friend, she opened up her heart and let me in
No, I cannot lie to you
I’m still in love with you, and I only wanna be with you
I only wanna be with you

Waitin' no more

Well, I got lucky, the repair guy called and has already been here. Unfortunately, he has to order the part (a new blower) and it will not be available until tomorrow. The good thing is that he told me that they always call before they come, so I will not have to sit around the house and wait.

It is off to my weekly appointment, then back to work for meetings. I hope to make it to the store for some food, and then to the gym for some exercise.

Waitin'

So, I went to work this morning expecting that I would get a call from the furnace person before they came to the house. Well, I did not hear anything by 9am, so I called the DTE warranty line where I found out that they do not call you, that they just show up -- and that it can be between 8am and 10pm. So, I run home, as I live by myself, and I am now waiting for them to arrive -- for the next 12 hours. It is a good thing that I can work from home.

So much for a good day

Well, the morning was good, but as is my luck, the day turned to crap as my furnace decided to have issues. The only saving grace to this is that I have a service plan via the utility company so it should not be to expensive. Unfortunately, they cannot come out until tomorrow, whcih means I may have to take more time off.

Anyway, I went to IKEA with a friend so that I could get a table because I got tired of bashing my knees on the folding one I borrowed from my folks. The table is nice, but not as nice as the one that was there before. I like it because it can expand to seat 6 people, which is about all that I need, plus it was not to expensive. I also bought some mini-lamps that I can mount to the bed for reading, and a bag of their meatballs --cuz they be good!

After, we went to National Coney in Royal Oak for lunch, and stopped at the Astoria bakery on the way back. Personally, I am not a big fan of the bakery as the deserts always seem dry and tasteless. I bought to chocolate chip cookies and like before, they are dry. Lesson learned.

Tonight, I am going to just relax, read, and watch TV.

Happy Sunday Morning

Check out the beautiful bloom on the Orchid. Even though today looks crappy outside, I feel great. Going out with a friend that I have not seen in a few weeks to just hang. Then I am going to run a few errands, and then workout. After that, I think I will finish removing the wallpaper, then just relax for the rest of the night.

Song in my head:
The Rascals "A Beautiful Morning"

It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
I think I'll go outside a while,
An jus' smile.
Just take in some clean fresh air, boy!
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine an' you got the time.
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day.
Either way,It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
Each bird keeps singin' his own song.
So long!
I've got to be on my way, now.
Ain't no fun just hangin' around,
I've got to cover ground, you couldn't keep me down.
It just ain't no good if the sun shines
When you're still inside,
Shouldn't hide, still inside, shouldn't hide,
Ahhhh..Oh! (shouldn't hide) Ah, ah, Oh.....(Do, do, Waaa) (Do, do, Waaa)
There will be children with robins and flowers;
Sunshine caresses each new waking hour.
Seems to me that the people keep seeing
More and more each day, gotta say, lead the way,
It's okay, Wednesday, Thursday, it's okay,
(Ahhh) Monday, Wednesday, Friday, weekday, Ah, Ah, Ohhh.
(Do, do, Waaa)Ah, Ah, Oh, Oh, (Do, Do - Aaaa)
Wooooo oo oo oh, oh, oh, Ah wo, do, waa
Ohhhhhhh.....Oh, Oh, Oh, .....

Busy Day

Today was busy pretty busy considering it was a Saturday. I had a 9am conference call, then went climbing, came home relaxed for 1 hour, then had a dual birthday party and baby shower, and then I had to go to work to do the daylight savings time upgrade. It all went well, and the party was very fun, although it felt like something was missing. Eh, it did not matter as it was a good time.

Here are a few pictures I took with my phone. The first is me with my nephew Ari. He was enamoured by the camera in the phone. He also loves "Finding Nemo," and has apparently watched it 20 times today.

The second picture is of my niece (center), my sister-in-law (right), nephew and my sister-in-laws friend (left) as my niece was blowing out the candles on the cake.

Song in my head right now:

"Rebound" by Sebadoh

Heart-broken and attractive

A sad, sloppy mess

Lookin' for approval

And easily impressed

Beware they say, but why would I listen?

I need to know what I've been missing

I'm no one you can trust

All little-boy lonely with curious lust

Confusion turns me upside down

Lost as quickly as I'm found

But soon enough it turns around

On the rebound

Call it fate or true love, never forced romance

Fell into a new love

Maybe perfect love by chance

Beware they say, but why would I listen

When it feels this good?

No one lives their life

Doing all the things they say they should

Confusion turns me upside down

Lost as quickly as I'm found

But soon enough it turns around

On the rebound

On the rebound

On the rebound

On the rebound

Finally a good nights sleep and Orchid updates

I finally got a good nights sleep for the first time since Tuesday. I guess the snot factory must have gone on shift change or something. I feel much better today, although my ears are plugged. Hopefully I can get a nap in during the afternoon before I have to go work all night (Damn daylights savings time change!).
Here are some updated photos of my Orchid:

Song choice

A friend and I just finished watching the movie "The Last Kiss," starring Zach Braff from Scrubs.
Synopsis of the film from Netflix:
Thirty something couple Michael (Zach Braff) and Jenna (Jacinda Barrett) face parenthood and other life-changing events in this ensemble drama, a remake of Italian director Gabriele Muccino's film L'Ultimo Bacio. The story follows Michael and Jenna as they navigate the challenging responsibilities of parenthood and the deterioration of their own aging parents. Blythe Danner, Casey Affleck, Rachel Bilson and Tom Wilkinson co-star.

It was a good film except there were scenes that hit way too close to home for me. It was OK though, as I have become numb most of the time to the situation, plus I live happily via pharmacology. The weird thing about the movie was that it used the Coldplay song "Warning Signs," which I had posted the lyrics for in a previous post today.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day as I have a conference call at 9, climbing at 10:30, and then a birthday/birthday/baby shower to attend in the afternoon. Following that, I have to go into work which should take me until 2 or 3am. Sunday I hope to sleep.

I hate being home sick

I hate being home sick because it leaves me too much time to think. It also sucks because I have to take care of myself -- at least I am not infecting other people. Back in the day, when I would get sick, we would make this garlic spread that really helped reduce the illness. I have yet to make it because it makes me think about the past too much. This whole house has too many memories. Anyone want to buy my house?

I was thinking about the question posed in the blog http://recordstorestories.blogspot.com/ , and how I would would pose another question about if you could go back and change one thing about your life, what would it be? I know what my answer would be today -- finding the point right before my wife put up her emotional wall and telling her all the things that I have been wanting to say to her for 2 months. I think this song expresses this best:

"Warning Signs" by Coldplay

A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
A warning sign
It came back to haunt me, and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I'm tired, I should not have let you go
Oooooooo
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

Time Lapse Orchid

Being home sick can make you feel creative

The Orchid and a great blog post by a friend

Check this out! The Orchid is blooming faster than I thought. The flower should be beautiful when it is fully open -- maybe tomorrow at its current pace.

One of my friends put a great concept on his blog. You should check it out.

http://recordstorestories.blogspot.com/

As for me, I have spent most of my day doing work, it is nice to have the ability to work form home. I have also been going through the house consolidating the rest of the items that do not belong to me. That is a crappy job, but there is nothing I can do about it.

To help get some moisture into my sinuses, I even spent 45 minutes removing wallpaper (using a steamer). It really did help, plus wallpaper removal is also a form of meditation for me.

Well, back to work.

Orchid and more

Here is the latest on the orchid's blooming process. I figure by Sunday it will be in full bloom.

I didn't go into work again today as I barely got any sleep due to my cold. I swear, how does ones body produce so much snot in such a short period of time? I honestly think that I could have filled a 5 gallon bucket last night.

Of course, not being able to sleep got my mind going onto all sorts of things that I really did not need to contemplate. For example, here was my horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

In the coming weeks, you'll attract cosmic assistance whenever you add to your repertoire, branch out artistically or socially, or start gathering seed money for a project that may take years to ripen. Mythically speaking, the coming weeks will also be a good time to have intimate relations with a fertility god or goddess, and to plant magic beans that will grow into a beanstalk that reaches the sky. "Is that it?" you may be asking. "Nothing but good news?!" My only caveat, which is pretty minor, is that you might add a few pounds to your frame. If you're a hetero woman, that could be caused by a pregnancy unless you're careful.

I never understood horoscopes, and I am not sure if any of mine ever come true. What is it really saying to me, because I don't see any of that happening in my life anytime soon.

I also thought a lot about my empathy posting. Am I wrong to expect someone to try to put themselves into my shoes, especially someone who was extremely close to me? To me, it is the least they can do, but again, you cannot make anybody do anything they do not want to do.

Is it weird that I have been praying a lot? I am not the "church type," but over the past few months I really have been looking to God not only for answers but also serenity. Maybe God can only hear you in those buildings.

Time for a Motrin for my headache.

Open letter to God

Dear God,
What am I doing wrong in my life? Why is it that I have faced so much adversity in my life? Wasn't the 8 years of hell growing up enough for one person? Did I not suffer enough then? Even then, I never turned away from you. I never did drugs, never tried to commit suicide, always treated my family and friends with love and respect. I have always worked hard. So why is it now, once I finally had some happiness in my life that you came and took it out from under me? What do I need to do God for you to allow me some true happiness? Please let me know.

Brian

Empathy

em·pa·thy

1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

2. The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.

Have you ever been in a situation where you either needed to put yourself "in someone else's shoes," or need them to put themselves in your shoes? I have put myself in someone else's shoes and although it was not an easy thing to do, it has helped me understand their situation more sympathetically. Empathy can be quite empowering. To me, being able to do this is important as I may find myself in the same situation one day, and it may help change my perspective dramatically from what I originally thought I would do. Empathy really helps one understand that you can't judge a book by its cover and to see that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I had a situation today where I really needed the person to be empathic to my situation but instead, that person got angry with me and what I was saying. My goal was not to anger the person, but to get them to understand how I feel. If that person could have put themselves "in my shoes" for just a few minutes, then it could have been easily seen where I am coming from. Of course, you cannot make a person do anything, but if they want to really understand you, then they sometimes need to step back and listen to what you are saying.

Quote:
Understanding is more important than communicating or solving the problem.

This could be me (no it is not me physically):

Song in my head:

Galaxie 500 "Sorry"

Well I'm sorry `bout the weather

And I'm sorry that the drive was much too far

Seems like everything is business

And we're sorry all the time

When we're home (All alone)

What is home? (On your own)

Home is home (All Alone)

Where we love the weather

Are you sorry that you love me?

Am I sorry I love you too?

Seems it doesn't make a difference

That we're sorry all the time

When we're home (All alone)

What is home? (On your own)

Home is home (All Alone)

Where we love the weather

All alone (What is home?)

On my own (What is home?)

All alone (Home is home)

And I love the weather

One of my favoite books/poems as a kid

Where the Sidewalk Ends By Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

Thare She Blows.....

Holy windmills batman! It is very windy outside today, they say up to 50 mph wind gusts. It is exactly like my last day of climbing at Red Rocks, NV, except I am not hanging 200 feet in the air off the side of a mountain. I took the day off again as I am not feeling so well. Since I am not feeling so well, I figured that I would make this post light-hearted by attaching some pictures that I have taken with my phone over the last two months.

These are some flowers that I got from a girl at work for Valentines day.

This is my Orchid that is about to bloom

You have heard of the cat in the hat, but what about the cat in the bag?

And as always a cute baby to end it all.

Maybe one day I will be a father and have my own cute baby.

Appreciation excercise

After thinking about my last post, I thought I would post something positive that I had found a few months back.

Take a piece of paper, and for the next thirty days sit down and write all the things that you appreciate about that person. Think about all the reasons that you love them. You appreciate their sense of humor, you appreciate how supportive they are. And what you’ll find is that when you focus on appreciating and acknowledging their strengths, that’s what you’ll get more of, and the problems will fade away.”

I am not sure that the problems will "fade away," but it will help take the focus of the negatives, which are often fewer than the positives that you will compile in your list.

Sick Day And Other Thoughts

I called off work today as I woke up at 3am feeling under the weather (I am hoping it is just a cold). I am supposed to go see an awsome band tonight, but I will wait until this afternoon to make a decision on that.

Last night I got a response from one of the people that I sent a goodbye e-mail to (reference blog entry Saying Goodbye). It was a very sweet, kind hearted e-mail, filled with love. I wish I did not have to say goodbye, but I am respecting a request.

Did anyone read this story in the Detroit News today http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070221/METRO/702210384 ?
The statement that got me all steamed up was "...I just think of marriage vows like speed limits. Sometimes you have to break them, and sometimes you get caught. You just need to keep an eye on the road to avoid detection."

Here is where I get on my soap box:

What the hell is wrong with f'in people today. Vows are sacred, and I am not speaking from a religious point of view either. Marriage vows are not something to be taken lightly, and are definitely not done just for ceremonial purposes. A vow is simply a binding promise one unilaterally makes without condition. Too many people view their vows today as "I'll keep my vow as long as you keep yours, or until the time when I no longer feel that I am getting out of this marriage what is due me." Marriage is not a business deal, and what is due a person in a marriage is unconditional love. A true vow makes a commitment that does not look for release based on what the other person has or has not done. It is the ability to say to another person, “...No matter how angry I am with you, no matter how much you may hurt me in the future, no matter what I may discover about you that I find I do not like, I will stand by you and work it out with you.” Without this sort of commitment partners become disposable… and no one wants to be or feel as if they are disposable. A commitment demonstrates to your partner that you consider them indispensable no matter what the circumstances may be.

I found this statement to be very poignant:
"I believe that marriage requires a fortitude and persistence that many are coming to lack because we live in a society of instant gratification. We want things to be easier, more convenient and easily fixed if something feels uncomfortable. The trouble is there is no quick fix for human relationships, and when we can not quickly and conveniently get things back to our comfort zone within relationships with others, we give up and move on to the next. This is exactly the sort of dispensability that marriage vows are designed to dispense with. This is why they are so incredibly important. There is no one on this world that wants to be disposable. Everyone has a desire to know they are worth the effort and aggravation they can and will cause to the people they care about. Marriage vows are a way of assuring your partner that they are worth the effort and aggravation, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, ‘til death do you part. " (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/62259/the_importance_of_marriage_vows.html)

Are there times when a vow's can be broken, sure. I think abusive relationships, whether it is physical or chemical are prime, as is adultery. Outside of that, the only other reasons that people should give up on their vows is hatred, i.e. you just hate the other person, or you got drunk in Vegas with Ned Flanders and you both married two gold-digging women or Brittney Spears.

To this day, even with all that has occurred, I still hold my vows sacred, as I meant what I said. It is not fun having to live with this promise and not being able to share it with the one you made it to. I have moved on with parts of my life, but there are certain things that I will not do because of the vows that I have taken. People may disagree with me, but am I really wrong? I don't believe I am.

Opinions? Comments? Let me hear them.

Finding Support and Self Reflection

Today I attended a support group to help me work through my situation. It was great to hear all the different perspectives of the people going through similar situations, and how they have dealt with it. They all said that they were impressed with me and how I am at a place that takes most people six months to a year to get to. They also said that I am a Mentsh -- yiddish for a good person. It also felt good to know that some of the emotions that I am having are completely normal and that the steps that I am taking are very appropriate. I obviously wish that I was not going through this (Hell, I do not want it, but I also will not be a doormat), and that more of a team effort was put into the situation, but one person does not make a team.
The reality is that I am a different person now than I was 3 months ago -- an improved person. Maybe it is a good thing that I have had this time for self reflection. I have learned to recognize my faults and now have the ability to deal with them in an appropriate manner. Sure, I may slip-up on occasion, but nobody is perfect.
Tomorrow I am going to see a band that I really like. It will be worth the late night.

Saying Goodbye

Last night I wrote an e-mail to two people who I have the greatest love and respect for officially saying goodbye to them. It was not an easy thing to do as I loved them like parents, but I knew that it was something that I had to do to move forward with my life. I only hope that in the future, I will be blessed with a set of people as kind and caring as they were. May they find only peace, health and happiness in their future.


Rolling Stones "Waiting on a Friend"

Watching girls go passing by
It ain't the latest thing
I'm just standing in a doorway
I'm just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls go passing by
The tales they tell of men
I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend
A smile relieves a heart that grieves
Remember what I said
I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend
Don't need a whore
I don't need no booze
Don't need a virgin priest
But I need someone I can cry to
I need someone to protect
Making love and breaking hearts
It is a game for youth
But I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend

Thought
A selfish person is one whose philosophy says, "Me first, and to hell with the rest of you." In the extreme this can lead to the cruelest of personal behavior.

Question: Can selfishness be a virtue?

Recommended reading

As I was sitting here working on my performance review for work, I got to thinking about all the books that I have read over the past few months, and how much I have learned from them. One book in particular really stands out to me, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I wish that I would have read it months earlier as it was very insightful. I highly recommend that you and your spouse both read the book as it can make your relationship stronger.
Here is a high-level rundown of the book (From:http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm)
There are five emotional love languages:
Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.
Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.
Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.
Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.
Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.
Determining Your Own Love Language
Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:
How do I express love to others?
What do I complain about the most?
What do I request most often?
Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."
Emotional Experiences
The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.
That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. "There's not much difference between being in love and being insane."
Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks
After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. They may have been expressing love for their spouse, but in reality they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your spouse's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don't have the same love language.
Tank Check
Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a "Tank Check" 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another "How is your love tank tonight?" If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask "What can I do to help fill it?" Then do it to the best of your ability.

If your significant other decides that you are no longer significant to them, then I recommend that you read Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, by Dr's Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. I am still reading this one, but I have found it pretty interesting and insightful.
Personally though, I hope that you never have to read this book and that you and your spouse are open to working things through. Two good books that could offer some guidance for this, both by Michelle Weiner-Davis are The Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. Both books are well written and offer some great insight into the world of marital issues and separation.

Emotionless: Devoid of emotion; impassive, cold, cold-blooded, unaffected.

Today I went to my weekly counseling session where we discussed my weekend mistake (See the White Castle entry). It scares me that I drank that much -- or even the reason why I drank that much. I guess I just wanted to try forget everything for a while. Unfortunately, I made a big mistake and drove -- a mistake that could have hurt or maybe worse killed someone.
I just want to stop feeling for a while. I want to be free of any feelings that I have. I know someone who has completely shutoff their emotions, and I want to be like that person. The questions that I have is how does one become emotionless? How does one stop caring, feeling, or acknowledging a part of their life? How does one close off so easy? I would like to know the answers. How does one care more about stuff than a human? My counselor said that because I am a good, loving, and caring person that is why I cannot be emotionless.

In yoga class today, the instructor told us to dedicate the practice to someone who could use love and peace. I dedicated the practice to me.

I will always feel. I will always care. I will always love. I just will not wait.

A Milestone Day

Today is a milestone day in my personal life, not that it matters to anyone but me. The funny thing about it is that I figured by this point it would not matter to me, but somehow it does.

The Tactometer is World Famous

I noticed that people from Jilin, China and Toledo, Castilla-La Mancha, Spain have viewed my blog. OK, I just personally think that it is cool.

Well, tomorrow is another work day, but at least I can look forward to yoga class tomorrow night.

Free your mind and the rest will follow

Today has been pretty hectic for me, but I did find time to do some personal meditation so that I could decide how to manage a few different issues. The meditation methods that I choose today were two. The first was a brisk 3 mile hike and the second was actual meditation in a quiet room. The hike was used to burn some energy and to get help me garner focus. I love the beauty of snow and found that the hike though nature really freed my mind to help me focus on the issues that are at hand. The second form of meditation allowed me to sit quietly and take each issue individually and then to determine what course of action I am going to take. This process worked really well for me, and I feel as if I made some great decisions on what I need to do.

Sanskrit Proverb

Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lies all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power-
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

I found this in my pocket from last night

Free Will Astrology: Metro Times
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov 21): "My God, these folks don't know how to love," wrote novelist D. H. Lawrence, "that's why they love so easily." He certainly wasn't referring to people from your tribe. You Scorpios may find it easy to entertain gusts of lust, but you're too smart about real love to dive casually into its mysteries. You want to be a perpetual student who's in humble awe of the primal power of deep attraction. You know intimately that no matter how sweet and light love may sometimes feel, it always has the potential to sweep you into the unpredictable depths and change everything forever. Meditate further on these matters; it'll prepare you for the coming weeks.

When you end up at white Castle, it is a good night

Wow, Saturday night turned out to be a blast. I met up with my friends at their house, and from there headed to Novi for dinner. We ate at the Lazy Lizard, a Mexican joint, where one of my friends and I shared two buckets of Corona's. After dinner, we headed to the Post bar, where we had a few drinks and played pool. Things were slow there, and by this point two of us were feeling no pain, when the female in the group suggested that we go hit a Gentleman's club. So, we headed to one of the upscale clubs, where the evening got very interesting. Things started out normal, with us getting a great table by the stage. We ordered some drinks and started to enjoy the entertainment. After the first round of drinks, two of us decided to order a bucket of beers as it was a better deal. I can defiantly state that I was feeling no pain this evening. Things got really interesting though when a "high rollers" sitting across from us started to hit on the girl in our group. This was not acceptable to us, and we requested that he leave. Unfortunately, this guy was persistent, and a major jerk. While my one friend was off at an anatomy lesson, the guy came back and tried to go for the girl again. It was at this point that I had to step in and tell him to back off as she is married. His group then proceded to insult some of the employees at the place, making one cry, and harass us a bit. I went to get a bouncer, but apparently these "high rollers" must spend a lot of money because the manager only moved them down a table. We thought that things would calm down a bit after the guy came and apologized to us, but when my female friend went to the restroom, I saw him get up and follow her. I kept an eye on the her, and the restroom area fortunately, because as soon as she came out, he tried to corner her. It was at this point that I jumped out of my seat and bolted for her, pushing the jackass buddies out of the way. I honestly was ready to fight the guy, as he had her pushed against a wall, and I was pretty drunk (note: I probably would have got a few good shots in, but would have been killed by his friends). Luckily, once I got there, all I needed to do was to push him away and tell him to back off. It was at this point that I grabbed her, and my buddy and we left the club. Even with all of that, the night was still really fun, and to top it off, we got to stop at White Castle to get some alcohol absorbing sliders. The weird thing is that I don't really remember driving home from their house or going to bed. It was a good night!

Crossroad of life

I have had a lot on my mind for the last 24 hours or so as I am at a crossroad in my life. I have been walking down a path, moving forward with things, but I am about to hit the fork in the road. At this point, I have many voices telling me which way to go, but not one of them are saying the same thing. I am trying to close off from those voices and use my own judgement to decide what I should do. Of course, this decision is much more complicated than a simple left or right, but I cannot stand at the crossroad forever. This decision means looking deep into my heart and soul, and not letting an ego or anger get in the way. My plan is to meditate on this over the weekend and try to come to a proper decision for my own self.

Today started a little early as a I received two calls form Europe. Not speaking the language, I had no idea what to say other than that person is not here. The second call, the person tried to speak English, but I do not think we communicated to clearly. Anyway, I took the phone number and passed it on. I wish they would not have called so early.
Climbing was great, I climbed two very difficult routes as part of my routine. We then stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. Tonight I believe that I am supposed to meet some friends and go out. Maybe we can go sledding.

Interesting and educational film

We just finished watching Ushpizin, an Israeli film that is set during Succoth. It was interesting, and I learned a lot about the holiday and Jewish culture by watching the film. As is a personal tradition, we ordered in pizza for dinner. It was from a place called Pisanio's in East Dearborn. It was really good -- much better than the typical $5 Little Ceaser pizzas that I get.
Anyway, I am just listening to some music and relaxing. I have a lot on my mind, and know that I will not be able to sleep until I take some time to think things through.
Right now I am listening to the Magnetic Fields "I Don't Believe In the Sun"

They say there's a sun in the sky
They say there's a sun in the sky
but me, I can't imagine why
There might have been one
before you were gone
but now all I see is the night, so
I don't believe in the sun
How could it shine down on everyone
and never shine on me
How could there be
such cruelty.
The only sun I ever knew
was the beautiful one that was you
Since you went away
it's nighttime all day
and it's usually raining too
The only stars there really are
were shining in your eyes
There is no sun except the one
that never shone on other guys
The moon to whom the poets croon
has given up and died
Astronomy will have to be revised

I have always found Stephin Merrit to be quite a prolific songwriter, and sometimes his music just fits my mood. Until tomorrow.

Damn song stuck in my head

Ever get a song stuck in your head. This one is stuck in mine right now:

"Run to Me" by Bee Gees Covered by Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs

If ever you got rain in your heart,
someone has hurt you,
and torn you apart,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?
And let it be like they said it would be -me loving you girl,
and you loving me.
Am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?
Run to me whenever you're lonely. (to love me)
Run to me if you need a shoulder
Now and then, you need someone older,
so darling, you run to me.
And when you're out in the cold,
no one beside you,
and no one to hold,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me?
And when you've got nothing to lose,
nothing to pay for, nothing to choose,
am I unwise to open up your eyes to love me
Run to me whenever you're lonely. (to love me)
Run to me if you need a shoulder
Now and then you need someone older,
so darling, you run to me.

Hectic Day

Sorry I did not post too much last night or today, but things were crazy and I have been exhausted. My boss has had us working on multiple issues, and I was also covering for another person who is out of town. So, basically, I have been firefighting for the last few days.

Dinner last night was a blast. We went to Ciao, a very nice Italian restaurant in Dearborn. I had an awesome veal dish, while my friend had pasta with shrimp, and her husband had a tuna dish. We had great conversation, staying there for a few hours, and we all shared a terrific desert. I drove them back home after dinner, and then headed home.

Tonight, I am hanging out with a few friends -- not sure what the plans are, but I am sure it will be fun. Tomorrow is climbing, and then I will work on removing the wallpaper again -- oh joy!

A Great Quote

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I was thinking....

Tonight I am going to dinner with a friend and her husband, which got me thinking about the first time I was introduced to him. I had gone with my friend to help her select a snowboard prior to an annual ski trip that we had been taking. After a hour in the shop, she found the board, bindings, and boots, as well as a jacket and gloves. I too also purchased a new snowboard jacket (one I still use today). After that, we headed to Royal Oak to meet up with a friend of hers for dinner -- a friend who would later become her husband. We had dinner at Mr B's, where we chatted for a bit, and then I remember getting a page (Yes, we used pagers back then) from another friend asking me if I wanted to go see a modern dance ballet (It was setup by her college ballet class teacher). Being done with dinner, I said sure, and headed to downtown Detroit to meet up with this person and see the show. Now, I am no fan of the standard ballet, but this one was pretty interesting, being that the music was more modern and the dance was more active. Anyway, I guess it stuck in my memory as it was a good day.

Daylight Savings Time 2007: Who's the genius behind this?

I want to know who is the genius behind this law? They should be tarred and feathered, or required to cover the cost of all the work that it takes to update systems to meet this new law:

At 2 a.m. on March 11, groggy Americans will turn their clocks forward one hour, marking the beginning of Daylight Saving Time (DST). At 2 a.m. on October 29, groggy Americans will turn their clocks back one hour, marking the end of Daylight Saving Time (DST).-->
The federal law that established "daylight time" in this country does not require any area to observe daylight saving time. But if a state chooses to observe DST, it must follow the starting and ending dates set by the law. From 1986 to 2006 this has been the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October, but starting in 2007, it will be observed from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November, adding about a month to daylight saving time. (See: New Federal Law.)

Let me just say that when you work in a shop with hundreds of servers and thousands of computers, the slightest patch requirement makes life miserable. I have already spent two weeks patching systems to meet the requirement, and I have 2 major upgrades to complete prior to the March 11th date. Thanks American lawmakers and your lobbyist buddies!

Dinner a movie and weird fans

Tonight I had dinner with a friend, then we watched a dark comedy called My Life with Morrissey . It was funny, but really creepy in a stalker sort of way. After the film, we watched a bonus feature on Morrissey fans that was about as creepy as the movie itself.
The movie made me think about all the musicians/ bands that I really like, or have liked over the years, and if I would be willing to go to the lengths that some of these people did to meet an artist. I have met Jewel, Stephin Merrit, and the members of Luna, but I don't think that I would be willing to stalk them or go to their house. Sure, I have been to Serge Gainsbourg's grave in Paris, as well as Leonardo DiVinci's crypt, but only because I happened to stumble upon them while wandering on vacation -- neither was planned. In my many trips to New York, I have never seeked out Stephin Merrit or Dean Wareham. I did meet the lady who sang "Hey Mickey" in Hollywood once as I was meandering aimlessly about in my typical "I hate doing touristy things" fashion. She was really nice, realizing that I was really lost, and pointed me back towards my hotel. In general though, I just could not see myself being one of those "fans" that just follow or emulate an artist.

Made my own!

Funny to me

I found this picture funny, so I figured i would post it.

Snow, a beautiful song and more

Isn't snow the most beautiful thing. sure it makes commuting a pain, but it is so pretty and can be so much fun. You have sledding, skiing, snowboarding, snow shoeing, cross country skiing, hiking, snow angles, snow forts, snowball fights, snow wrestling, and even jumping into piles of snow from the roof. We must not forget that it is so pure (unless yellow).

I heard the most beautiful song this morning on the way into work, so I had to check out the artist. The artist is Amy Milan and her album is "Honey From The Tombs." You can listen to tracks from her album at http://www.amymillan.com/ .

Tonight I am going out to dinner, I think somewhere nice -- hopefully the weather cooperates.
Last night I started working on the wallpaper again. I purchased a steamer from the Home Deathspot as it was cheaper than renting one for a few days. It took me about 2 hours to do one wall. I figure I will do one wall per day before I get ready to paint the room. I am still deciding on a color, but I am thinking some sort of "moss" color. Once the room is done, I will make it into a place of music and meditation for me.

I think that my orchid is going to bloom soon. I wonder what a blooming orchid means? Maybe renewal?

The littlest things can bring such a smile to ones face

I just received a great card from a friend, her husband and their dog that meant more to me than anyone will ever understand. It is good to know that your friends are there for you no matter how often you see them.
I love all of you!

Serenity

This evening I went to a yoga class at the new studio that opened up by me. I was surprised to find that my favorite instructor was teaching the course today. She is a great yoga instructor, kind, but pushes you enough to make the session worthwhile. By the end of the session, I felt great, and I definitely will return, especially since the class is at a reasonable time for me on Mondays.

Wallpaper be damned!

I do not know what the people who put up this wallpaper used to adhere it to the wall, but it is not coming down without a fight. I used half a bottle of Diff on just one section and I still cannot get the paper to come down. Plus, this paper is super thick. The scoring wheel barely made a dent in the top of the paper. It looks like I may have to rent one of those steamers to see if that will loosen up the paper from the wall. If not, I am going to be busy for awhile.
Anyhow, I had dinner with my father and a family friend who just had knee surgery. We ordered carry-out fish and chips from the Blarney Stone in Royal Oak. It was really good, but I think that I clogged an artery. Oh well!
Anyway, here is a poem that I did not write but says a lot:
By Seeker

you closed the door
i closed my eyes,
to see no more
of your disguise
to feel no more
of your pretence.
you knew before
false innocence.
i hear the words
that people say,
my grief gets worse
each empty day
the scars you left,
the words you stained,
without your theft
I'm self-contained,
I'm self-controlled
until i face
a new recall
of your disgrace
a new flashback,
a face, a word,
and i am racked
dethroned and hurt.
i hit the stone.
you went astray.
my world is gone.
i am here to stay.

No, I do not have this much free time

I am currently removing wallpaper, so while I wait for the chemicals to weaken the glue, I figured I would blog.
Last night I watched a really good movie "Art School Confidential." Here is the info on it:
Ambitious art school student Jerome Platz (Max Minghella) goes to extremes to conquer the art world -- and to get the girl -- in Terry Zwigoff's dark comedy. When his pure genius goes ignored and a brainless jock tempts his dream girl, Audrey (Sophia Myles), Jerome sets in motion a brazen plan to become an art world hero and win Audrey's heart. John Malkovich, Jim Broadbent, Matt Keeslar, Anjelica Huston and Ethan Suplee star.
I found it really enjoyable. My next movie is an Israeli drama called Uzshpin. It looks really good, and i am looking forward to watching it.
Tonight is dinner with my dad (I don't have to cook - sweet!), and tomorrow I plan to attend a yoga class at the new yoga studio that opened by work. I really enjoy yoga, and I think it will enhance my new clarity.

Serenity now!

More songs for the list......

Weezer "I Do"

all the times you came
I should have ran away
you told me that you'd always love me
you told me that you'd always love me
and the games you played
were meant to lead me on
you told me that you'd always love me
you told me that you'd always love me
always
ooh, always
I do
you told me that you'd always love me
you told me that you'd always love me
nevermore again
will I believe the sun...

More Weezer
"The Damage In Your Heart"
One more time
I have crossed the line
Now you won't be mine
Anymore
One more dream
Vanished up in smoke
Now i have no hope
Anymore
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much to the world
One more lossIn a losing life
Doesn't hurt so bad
Anymore
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
[Guitar Solo]
One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much to the world
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I cant tell you
I cant tell you
I cant tell you
How the words have made me feel





DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL "Screaming Infidelities"

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
and this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
But you're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know, who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again.
There is not a word that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever"
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder,
how you're making out,
and as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out
I'm missing your laugh,
how did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as your pretending.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets,
and I am alone,
in my defeat.
I wish I knew you were safely at home.
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder, how your making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out.
Your hair, it's everywhere,
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.

Thoughts for Sunday

I actually slept really well last night. I think that my mind has finally hit the indifference point, so I actually felt rested when I awoke this morning. I have come to the realization that I have done everything I can, and that although divorce is taboo to my personal, not religious, beliefs, I am OK with it. In a relationship you have to want to put your partner as a priority-- sure, sometimes they may take a backseat for a bit to something really important to you, but they need to remain near the top. If they begin to get too far down in the list, you have to re-evaluate and identify the true priorities and how to resolve any issues. I love to climb and bicycle, but I always knew what my core priority was. I have new priorities now.

Songs to express my feelings

Chris Isaac "King Without a Castle"

Like a king, without a castle,
like a man without a home.
I call your name,
but there's no answer...
and I'm left here on my own.
just wonderin,
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin...
where did our love go?
Does anybody know?
A man alone he has no future...
A man alone he has no friends,
there was a time I thought I found her,
one to love me till the end.
now I'm wonderin
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin....
where did our love go?
does anybody know?
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin (wonderin)
I'm like a king,
without a castle,
with a heart condemned to roamI'll keep searchin,
till I find you,
Till I do I'll be alone
Just wonderin
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin
wonderin
where did our love go?
Does anybody know?
does anybody know?
does anybody know?
anybody know?

Radiohead "Creep"

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You’re so fuckin’ special
But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.
I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special
But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.
She’s running out again,
She’s running out
She’s run run run running out...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special...
But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here? I
don’t belong here.
I don’t belong here.


Fiona Apple "Shadowboxer"

Once my lover, now my friend.
What a cruel thing to pretend.
What a cunning way to condescend.
Once my lover, now my friend.
Oh, you creep up like the clouds.
And you set my soul to ease.
Then you let your love abound.
And you bring me to my knees.
Oh, it’s evil,babe,the way you let your grace enrapture me.
When, well, you know, I’d be insane -To ever let that dirty game recapture me.
You made me a shadowboxer, baby.
I wanna be ready for what you do.
I been swinging all around me.
’cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make your move.
Oh, your gaze is dangerous.
And you fill your space so sweet.
If I let you get too close,You’ll set your spell on me.S
o, darlin’, I just wanna say.
Just in case I don’t come through.
I was on to every play.I just wanted you.
But, oh, it’s so evil, my love,
The way you’ve no reverence to my concern.
So, I’ll be sure to stay wary of you, love,
To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn.
You made me a shadowboxer, baby.
I wanna be ready for what you do.
I been swinging all around me.
’cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make your move.

If words could kill

If words could kill by Maya Crisol

If words could kill...
like a blow in the head
a poison or two hundred pills
a gunshot in the chest
bloody hurting words could kill!
they stab the soul like edged knives
they pierce through unsuspecting hearts
they come like thunder and lightning
strike you down with pain so haunting
it freezes your blood like burning ice
it throws you off the wall...drags you all over the floor
sprawled in your own pool of blood
if words could kill...
you just murdered me by now!


I have been stewing over a conversation that was had earlier in the day where I was told that I could not be trusted and that I may do something to harm someone in my "stated condition". Those words were like a knife in my chest. Anyone who knows me knows that I would never hurt anyone, unless they were going to hurt someone I loved. I know for a fact that I would take a bullet or fight someone twice my size if they had ever tried to hurt my spouse. Yet, I would never harm an innocent person. That is not my style. I feel like I have been put into an episode of the Twilight Zone, one where words are used like weapons. A piece of me was murdered today.

As if everything elese hasn't gone to crap....

Today started out well, I got a decent nights sleep, although I had a dream that I was looking for an apartment for my estranged spouse and I in Boston. Of course I woke up all freaked out as I had a get together with her today. Anyway, I got up at 8:30 to ready myself to go climbing (a Saturday ritual). After a quick shower and breakfast, I did my stretches, then sat down to write in my personal journal. I wrote only a page and a half, but it was pretty deep, as I had a lot on my mind.
Climbing went really well considering all that was running through my head. They have put up a bunch of new routes that are really fun. we climbed for about 2 hours, then went and had lunch. By this time, my mind was not on anything else but my meeting later in the day, so I could not even tell you the name of the restaurant. The food was good though.
I cam home, showered again (climbing makes you sweat), and then she came over for our meeting. I did not want to meet at the house as it is too emotional a place for me, so I suggested that we hit Caribou Coffee. Well, we ended up at Au Bon Pain, where we chatted for about 2 hours. I guess the conversation went as expected, but I did point out that I had goals that I would like to see achieved.
On another my world has gone to crap note, I pulled an appraisal fro my house and my house is worth $15,000 less than it was when I bought it in 2000. So basically, I have negative equity in my property. Ah, the great Michigan economy. I couldn't even sell this house if I wanted too, as there are more houses up for sale than not in my neighborhood. The joys of being stuck in a place with too many memories that you would like to let go of.

Friday:Isn't it ironic

Ahhh, the joys of a Friday evening. I spent this one at my ex-sister-in-laws house in Northville where they fed me dinner and we talked. The kids except the baby were at my brothers house, so the house was pretty amicable to talking. During our conversation, she mentioned to me that my niece saw one of my wedding photos in a recent wedding magazine. Apparently, it was the one here (http://www.celadonpictures.com/gallery_UpDown.cfm?pageid=1275). I found it ironic that she is using this picture. Anyway, her husband, her and I chatted about life, finances, and 3 kids, a dog, a cat, and a baby on the way and how it changes life. They said that they have about 60% good times and 40% bad when it comes to things due to all that is going on. I was shocked at that percentage, but they said they are really happy.
Tomorrow, I am climbing in the morning, then I need to go home and pull together some notes that I have been taking for a discussion in the afternoon. I am also hoping to go sledding, as I purchased a sled last year and never got to use it. We will see if that happens. I would be so happy if it did.

A lot on my mind right now

I am sitting in the typical Friday meeting and my mind is running at full speed. I have a lot that I want to say to someone, but I am not sure that I will get the proper opportunity to do so. In order for this to occur, this person will have to have an open mind and be open with me as to what they have to say, as well as open to what I have to say. I have been learning a lot about myself over the past few months and if this person is open to me, they will notice that I have taken steps for the better.
I read a great book this week that taught me a lot about dealing with difficult situations. I enjoyed it so much that I scheduled a time to speak with a person from the team to get further insight. The call was great and worth the money spent. I am currently taking all the notes that I took and rewriting them into a more concise document. Due to the confidential nature of the call, I will not be able to share the info on the blog.

The Positives

I was listening to a song on the radio today during my short commute to work. It made me think about how many people in life dwell on negative feelings or problems versus the positives in life. Often, the positives well outweigh the negatives, but yet some choose to dwell on them anyway. I think if we all looked more at the good in our lives, we would all be much happier and there would be more peace.

It was a good day

I will chalk today up as being a good day. Work went well as I was able to complete some very important tasks for my boss. I had lunch at Paneara Bread -- tomato soup and salad, and then worked for a few more hours. After work, I had a great phone conversation with this person who gave me some great guidance on my life situation. It really helped me put things into perspective, and gain some necessary understanding of myself. After that call, I drove up to Southfield to have dinner with my mom, who I have not seen in a few weeks. She has been under extraordinary pressure lately as my grandmother is very sick, and my uncle, who is retired, is being a big jerk. Anyway, we went to a restaurant called Alex's in Berkley and I had a chicken gyro that was pretty good. My mom had the chicken picata. We had some very good conversations, and she told me that I need to follow my heart, and do what I, not anyone else, thinks is right. I was happy she said that as I really needed some good moral support. My mom has always been good for that. She also noted that I have changed, that I am much calmer and patient. It is amazing to me, as I have had many people comment on my calmer demeanor at work too. I give credit to Dr N. and to my counselor who have been working with me to make changes to some bad habits that I had. In any case, I will keep working to make personal improvements for myself.

Michigan, Hawaii, Vegas Oh My!

What a weird winter. It started off warm, and now has turned super cold. At least the sun is out. A friend of my family has invited me to come out to Hawaii in March to hang out. I am really thinking of doing this as it would make the trip very reasonable (free place to stay). Plus, the weather there is really nice compared to here, and I have never been there before. The only bad thing is the flight, but I may have enough frequent flyer miles to cover a first class ticket (I had been saving miles to go to Italy as a graduation gift). I am also anticipating a climbing trip to Red Rocks in Las Vegas in April. Keeping busy!

Stir Fry

Tonight's menu for me was stir-fry made with real turkey breast meat, and Chinese vegetables. I also made some rice. It was pretty tasty and healthy too. I am finally starting to regain some of the weight that I lost, which is a good thing. I have been eating more, as well as working out - climbing, going to the gym, and doing exercises at home. It feels good to get moving again.
Today's psychiatrist appointment was good, as we focused on me moving forward. The doctor said I am making great progress and that I am much more upbeat about my life than I was when I first came to see her. I know that one way or another, I need to move forward with my life, which I am doing. I have a great support structure, and no matter what, they will be there for me. I have also been sharing a lot of my writing with my psychiatrist. She stated that I should take writing up as a hobby as it really offers my mind the peace that it requires. I am sure that you are looking at my blog entries and saying -- this isn't great stuff, but if one were to look at my journal, you would see the true workings of my mind.
I am looking forward to the weekend, as I hope to climb and then watch "Art School Confidential," which is supposed to be really good. I also plan to keep working on the one bedroom, hopefully getting all the wallpaper and paste off of the walls.

Interesting Story: Medalist battling through divorce

By Paul Newberry
Associated Press
KEARNS — With tears welling up, Derek Parra tried to compose himself as he finally revealed the turmoil that has haunted him since this summer.
Derek Parra The speedskater who won two medals at the Salt Lake City Games — with his wife and infant daughter providing inspiration — is going through a painful divorce, severely hurting his chances of making it back to the Olympics.
"Some days I'm OK," Parra said Wednesday. "Some days I'm not."
The extraordinary catharsis unfolded in the basement of the Utah Olympic Oval, where Parra had the greatest two days of his athletic career in 2002. This time, shortly after another mediocre showing at the U.S. national championships, he hopped atop a trash can and divulged that his marriage fell apart when he went home to Orlando, Fla., over the summer.
"I'm going through a divorce, guys," he said. "I skate with my heart. My family has been there with me for so many years. Now, that's all gone."
It's been clear for a while that something was wrong.
The 35-year-old Parra struggled on the World Cup circuit, failed to prequalify for the U.S. Olympic team and came to this week's national championships needing to earn his spot. He didn't come close in the 500 or 1,000, and he merely went through the motions in the 5,000 since there were no spots available.
On Friday, Parra will have one final chance in the 1,500, needing to go fast enough to claim one of the two openings.
It won't be easy.
"I've got to put this thing behind me for one day," Parra said, the words coming out in halting, painful spurts. "If I can't, I won't be going to the Olympics."
His teammates sound more hopeful than Parra.
"Don't count Derek out," said world record holder Chad Hedrick. "He's a fighter. He's one of the leaders of this team. A lot of us wouldn't be the skaters we are without him."
Four years ago, Parra felt like the luckiest guy around.
He was married to the love of his life, Tiffany. The couple had their first child, Mia Elizabeth, just two months before the Salt Lake City Games. At the opening ceremony, Parra was among the athletes chosen to carry the tattered American flag that survived the attack on the World Trade Center.
Riding a wave of emotion, Parra won a stunning silver medal in the 5,000 meters. Tiffany, watching the race on television from her parents' home in Florida, put a "USA" beret on Mia Elizabeth and jumped up and down on the sofa when her husband crossed the line.
Ten days later, Tiffany was on hand to see Derek win his signature race with a world-record performance in the 1,500. She made so much racket on the temporary metal bleachers that she worried about falling through.
"I was looking at my life and feeling so thankful about what I have," Parra said at the time.
Parra planned to retire after the Olympics but now says his wife pushed him to keep skating. He finally had a chance to make a little money in the sport. He still had a passion for the competition.
The first signs of trouble appeared when Parra's wife and daughter moved to Salt Lake City to be with him a few months after the Olympics. It was hard to have much of a life between his training and part-time job at Home Depot. Within weeks, Tiffany had packed up their daughter and moved back to Florida.
"I know it was difficult for her," Parra said. "I was gone 12 hours a day."
Still, they had a plan for the rest of their lives. Tiffany enrolled in college. Parra kept on skating and got to Florida when he could. After he skated in one more Olympics, they would settle down as husband, wife and daughter.
Now, Parra is trying to figure out his next move. His daughter just turned 4 and he hasn't seen her since October. He choked up when talking about being apart during Christmas. Compounding his fragile psyche, there are constant reminders that his life is spiraling off in a direction he never imagined.
"I just got a package today that I have to sign and send back," he said, referring to documents associated with his divorce.
Parra has been seeing a therapist, but there are nights when he barely gets more than an hour or two of sleep. He's trying to stay focused on making his third Olympic team, but he can't help but wonder what's next.
"If I don't make the team, I'll go back to Florida and be with (Mia Elizabeth) and try to decide what to do with the rest of my immediate life," he said. "If I do make the team, I'll go home for a few days, try to settle a few things and get all my stuff out of the house."

Life is Different now: Another new day

It is Wednesday, and I made it to work by 7:30. I did not sleep too well last night as I had a lot on my mind. Part of it is that I am trying to sort things out for myself as to what happened. secondly, I have been having these "life flashing before my eyes" scenarios where I see the last 7 years of my life. This is the hardest to deal with, as it makes me question things even more.
A concern was brought to my attention last night in regards to "mood swings." I admit that I have had emotional swings, but I guess if you have not shut yourself off emotionally you will go through different emotions during major life events. Yes, I get frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, and sometimes happy, but as both my counselor and psychiatrist have said this is normal and that I am managing them quite well. I personally believe that I am managing my anger and frustration much better than I used to, as I do not raise my voice anymore, and I stay calm, a change that I attribute to these professionals. I wonder if anyone else has noticed the changes that have been made?
Tonight, I plan to make stir-fry, and work on removing some of the wallpaper from the one room. I figure that the wallpaper removal will take me a few days as it is really old and on the walls good. It will be a nice way to keep moving forward with my life.

Life is different now:Climbing

This evening I went climbing with my friend Ken. I seemed to be holding up OK emotionally, so I figured why not get out and get some exercise. Well, about 45 minutes into climbing, the emotional wall collapsed and I could barely contain myself enough to get out of the building. I basically fell apart the whole drive home (45 minutes). My buddy was great, supporting me, and allowing me to deal with my emotions in my own manner. I just wish none of this ever happened. I wish she would have spoken to me sooner, made me go to counseling sooner so that we would still be moving forward in our life together. I wish she would let me back in, just a little, to see if we can avoid becoming a statistic. If not, I will move on.